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The Show Must Go On!

Though I no longer occupy any amount of Poland’s premier square meters (see what I did there? :D ), the country remains steadfastly awesome and mind-blowing. It is because of this and, also, because stopping here would be absurd, I submit for your approval much less frequent yet equally incredible nuggets of this amazing land of magic and mystery!

To begin, here’s a shiny gemt of music and technology titled simply “Chleb” which means “Bread”. Is it a synth pop anthem way ahead of it’s time, a well overdue commercial for both a Commodore 64 and Amiga Video Toaster? Is it an awe-inspiring work of the bustling Polish music video industry or, perhaps, a triple-entendre of a euphemism? You be the judge! Set your Way Back Machine to 1984 and enjoy the ride!

Do Widzenia i Dzikuj za Wszystkie Ryby!

Dear Poland, I am (almost) no longer in you!

To paraphrase the great Lady Godiva, my employment contract have come to its close. At the proverbial butt crack of dawn tomorrow morning, my family and I will leave your exotic shores for a new adventure in the US.

It may seem difficult to believe, but Poland, I will miss you.

I will miss your delicious food, your neard-damned-free, blazing fast direct-to-God internet, you ridiculously affordable pay-as-you-go mobile phone plans, your balmy winters, your steadfast commitment to elimination of all vowels from your alphabet. I will miss your coy, almost accidental racism, your amazing interpretation of English, your one-of-a-kind optimism. I will never forget your ample and affordable public transportation and that one tram seat which always carries the forever-funk of many geriatric, multi-lingual hobos. I will often find myself pining for a need to carry around a coin purse so large that it can be easily used as a bludgeoning weapon and the way your people have perfected the fine art of buying everything using exact change. I will often find myself lost in a sea of uncertainty and indecision due to the lack of the frequent lectures from all of your old ladies which always knew how to dress and parent my child better then me. I will never again be able to buy shoes, lunch meat, large quantities of booze, potatoes, and electronics in the same store. Try as I might, I will never again have a holiday in Hel or find myself in a country made entirely out of Ikea. I will miss your commitment to proudly remain a country forever free of air conditioners, dryers, or anything Nintendo. I will never again be able to enjoy taking elevators to negative floors or explain to all new visitors that “I live on the second floor which is really the third one”. Living in a country where any sauce or condiment aside from mustard and horseraddish has a 95% chance of tasting like nauseatingly sweet paprika wil soon become a distant memory. Most of all, I will miss the sweet, sweet sounds of the entire repertoire of Abba, sang perpetually and without a shred of shame or reserve by my improbably drunk neighbors all night long every Friday night.

Yes, there are great many things to lovingly miss from a great distance about you, Poland. I almost wish I could stay in you a bit longer. Alas, my beloved “Central Europe”, all sorts of things must eventually come to an end. No, no, don’t cry! You will always have a special place in my heart. Every time I will be treated rudely by a store clerk or hear a stranger complain loudly, rest assured I will be thinking of you!

With this, I conclude the final entry of the “OMG Poland!” blog. Great many thanks to all of the readers and re-bloggers of my adventures!

Goodbye, and thanks for all the fish!

I’ll take one to go, with a side of fried gangrene!

I’ll take one to go, with a side of fried gangrene!

The Joy Of Cooking

One of the staples of Polish kitchen is its variety of fresh vegetable salads. Among them, the undisputed Summer salad king — a scrumptious cucumber, sour cream, dill, and salt creation named simply “Mizeria”, which means “Misery”. Because Poland.

This is a community forum, created as a place for all Facebook-dwelling Polish people to congregate and indulge in the country’s beloved past time - Industrial Strength Complaining, also known as “Polish Small Talk” or “Polish Optimism”. It’s made by the natives, so you know it’s legit.

This is a community forum, created as a place for all Facebook-dwelling Polish people to congregate and indulge in the country’s beloved past time - Industrial Strength Complaining, also known as “Polish Small Talk” or “Polish Optimism”. It’s made by the natives, so you know it’s legit.

"Electronic Bedroom Tears" — an instant, beloved classic of Polish cinema.  

O RLY?

image

This is "Moja Mądra Sówka" or “My Wise Owl”. It is sold widely in many staples of Polish toy shops, such as Smyk and Toys R Us. When you place something inside of the Owl’s beak or touch various parts of her stuffed anatomy, it bestows the words of pure wisdom unto the eager-to-learn babes in 100% pure and native Polish. 

To the toy’s credit, it works exactly as advertised which, in of itself, is a monumental achievement for Polish toy manufacturing industry. Things begin falling apart rapidly, however when you hear the choice of phrases triggered in response to a child’s interaction with the stuffed bird. Squeeze it’s wing, and it utters:

"Wow, this is fun!"

"Your touch is so pleasant!”

"Please do it again!"

"I like it so much when you touch me!”

Insertion and removal of a finger in it’s beak nets a variety of cooing pleasure noises, culminating in “I love our special game!” All that is spoken in a voice of a deeply satisfied, barely-legal young lady, as depicted in a clip below:

Wow, Poland. Wow.

It’s time to play “Is It Racist?”
The answer is always “Yes!”Because Poland.
______________________________________
This is a real ad for the Black energy drink.

It’s time to play “Is It Racist?”

The answer is always “Yes!”
Because Poland.

______________________________________

This is a real ad for the Black energy drink.

This bit of “Video Toaster All-Stars” insanity is a Polish Governor Candidate promotional spot for one Jacek Pajątek. Arnold got nothing on him. Neither does Cthulhu, Godzilla, King Kong, and Sho Nuff.

Poland, my friends, Poland.

“Only someone with nothing to be sorry about smiles at the rear of an elephant.”
— A Polish proverb